omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Can you bring me the toilet please
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
