I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
