I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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