I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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