Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
