I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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