please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
