I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
sarcasm needs its own font
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
