dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
