All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
