My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
