I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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