Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
