Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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