when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
