I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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