You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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