there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
