Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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