You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
