First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
