True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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