I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
