You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
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