Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
