You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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