I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Let's get the cat blown out
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
