i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
