Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Four minutes until I can fart!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
