I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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