it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
