You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
