just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
