Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
