dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
