he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
