if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
