Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
