our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
