I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
