This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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