Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
