ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
