I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
