I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
