Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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