Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
