I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
