haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
