i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
