you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
